Cheshire Kat

I hate falling for guys and then feeling like he's going to end up doing the same thing
that every other guy has done to me.
I'm just really sick of it..
There's only been one guy to ever really make that feeling go away,
but I haven't talked to him in a while
and I haven't seen him in a while either.
I'm kinda sad about that.
And yes, it's kind of my own fault that I haven't talked to him,
but I've just been busy, and haven't been home for a while.
And he's been busy too, and I know that..
I dunno.. I just don't feel like he's going to hurt me like the others have,
but I feel like the other guys I've met are going to end up doing the same thing as the others.
So I have no idea what to do about this.
Maybe I should just lay low with things like this until after Christmas
when I'm not so stressed out and just worried about everything.
Maybe it's just better if I stick with my gut on this one and keep with the
one I know who won't hurt me.
But see then there's that side, well, what if this guy isn't going to hurt me either?
He might be just like this one, someone I can actually trust with my emotions,
but I don't know.
And I thought I was finished with all my guy problems.
Yes I had figured out the one that came up earlier, that one was simple.. it was too late..
But this one.. I don't know about this one.. Someone new..
But how am I to know?
Let's just play it by ear.. But when have I even done that?
Maybe I should just play it safe for once, and stick with what I know, how I feel.
Not just some lusting.. Yes, maybe I do have feelings for him, but I don't know.
I do know, that what I feel for the one who won't hurt me, is real, and true.
But I'm just sick of waiting. He knows that, I know that.
But it's how it has to work.
Maybe it's not meant to be, maybe this other guy is right.. but I'm never going to know.
I just hate this feeling that I've got right now.

..maybe I'll add to this later.. maybe I'll have more to say later.. Maybe I won't, but I don't know.. 

I hate how I feel.
I hate how I feel with him.
I hate him.
I hate everything about him.
I hate how I hate him.
I hate the way he says my name,
and the way he pulls me near.
I hate the way he looks at me, and most of all
the way he touches me.
I hate the clothes he wears, and the words he says.
I hate the choices he makes, and the mistakes that he's made.
I hate how he has feelings, but doesn't act on them.
I hate that he just got out of a relationship,
and is taking things with me so slowly.
I hate being in his arms.
I hate him picking me up, and tickling me.
I hate how he pushes his lips against mine,
and how he holds me so close.
I hate the eskimo kisses he gives me,
and when he licks my face.
I hate how he does his hair.
I hate the way he bugs me for no reason, and how
he makes fun of me for being scared.
I hate how he knows how I feel about him,
and how he's too shy to say anything back.
I hate how I can't stay mad at him for the things he does,
but I can be upset for days on end when I don't talk to him.
I hate how he cuddles, and I hate how he hugs.
I hate how he smells, and the little things he does.
I hate the man that he is, and I hate the man he is with me.
I hate the games we play, and I hate our movie watching times.
I hate the way he opens chocolate, and puts on chapstick.
I hate the smile he gets when he looks at me,
and how he has the twinkle in his eye.
I hate his simple style, and his personality.
I hate the colour of his eyes, and I hate his smile.
I hate how he makes me smile, and how he brightens my day.
I hate the way I love him, and the way I feel with him.
I hate how I don't have him with me.
But most of all -
I hate how I don't hate him at all.